


Undeserved

by orphan_account



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Gen, I mean it when I say no happy ending, One Shot, Past Alexander Hamilton/John Laurens, angst and hurt, no happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-19
Updated: 2019-05-19
Packaged: 2020-03-07 19:01:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,385
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18879301
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: He fell in love, and in the end all he got was a stab in the heart





	Undeserved

**Author's Note:**

> I honestly forgot I had this. It was originally written in my notebook and during a bad time for me, so it's not really well written and timeline sometimes doesn't make sense.
> 
> I'm not even part of this fandom anymore lol

They first had met during a college party. Laurens had gotten completely shitfaced along with Lafayette and Mulligan, when they saw Burr talking with a freshman. Feeling like annoying Burr, the three friends walked over to him. They smirked once they saw the annoyed expression in his face, already regretting to the bar. The freshman, however, seemed intrigued by the three guys. After Burr had decided he had enough of them, left. The kid didn’t waste time in presenting himself as Alexander Hamilton. Laurens immediately knew he liked the guy  — loud and not afraid to share his opinions — , and they would probably become great friends.

Indeed, it was true. As months passed by, and soon years, the guys became close friends  —specially Laurens and Hamilton—. And it was during a visit to an old friend in his hometown that she made him realized he had actual romantic feelings for him.

  


  


Of course it went downhill from there.

  


  


Drunk enough to not care, but not enough to remember and regret every part of it. However, to Laurens’ surprise, Hamilton didn’t regret it. And so a beautiful relationship started.

  


  


It lasted only two years. More than Laurens expected in a beginning if he was being honest, but that was more reason why it hurt so much when they broke up. He knew that was the right choice to make. The best thing for both of them —for him—. It was so painful to see the tears in Hamilton’s face, crying for Laurens to not leave; he was sorry and regretted everything. But it wasn’t enough.

And he left.

  


  


Moving back to Europe was a whole trip on itself. He didn’t go to Switzerland though. That was just as painful as staying in New York. So he went to London, where, lucky for him, he had already a friend waiting for him. Martha was there for him, just like she had been when he first discovered his feelings for Hamilton those years ago. In that moment he couldn’t ask for a better friend.

  


  


Staying in London had been a good idea. He kept in touch with Lafayette and Hercules. After thinking in through for some time, he decided to hear Maria’s side of the story; he forgave her and somehow they became friends. He also got even angrier at Hamilton though.

For a while he had wondered if he was enough for Hamilton, and although the man had always assured him that he was, that the words of his father shouldn’t matter, after the affair Laurens had gotten the confirmation he had always feared.

  


  


His stay in London allowed him to heal; going out with a few friends he had made, although mostly with Martha. Laurens was sure if his father saw him —if he cared enough to check on him—, he would have assumed “his son had finally found his senses back”, and he hated it. But she had been a good friend, and for that he was glad (he didn’t deserve her).

  


  


Three years living in London. A letter arrived. To be specific: an invitation. A wedding invitation. He wondered if maybe it was Lafayette’s. The man had always commented about his excitement of marrying his long time girlfriend, Adrienne. However, he was surprised (heartbroken) to find out it was Hamilton’s; he was marrying Elizabeth Schuyler.

Hamilton was inviting him to his wedding after almost more than four years of not talking to each other. It all seemed like a horrible joke.

Martha and Kósciuzko —a friend he had made in London— heard immediately about it; Laurens had called them as soon as he read the letter. They were there ready in case he tried to do something stupid, like burning the invitation and, on the way, his apartment.

He asked for their advice, not sure what to do. A part of him wanted to reject his invitation, try his best to forget about it once again; another wanted to congratulate them —specially Eliza—, and act like everything was fine (it wasn’t); the other, and strongest part of him, wanted to go congratulate Eliza and then punch Hamilton his damn beautiful face. He knew punching the groom on his wedding day wasn’t a good idea though, and Kósciuzko told him so.

Then Martha asked him: did still love Hamilton? Laurens knew what the truth was, he was more than aware of that, yet he still refused to admit it out loud. He shook his head. And with a certainty he didn’t even know where it came from, answered “No, I don’t”. She didn’t seem much convinced of his answer, but didn’t insist. Instead, she advised him to accept the invitation, to at least get some closer on the whole thing.

He read back the invitation, a footnote explained he could invite one or two more persons, and turned back to hi friends. If he was gonna attend the wedding of his former best friend and boyfriend, he was gonna need the support of his friends (friends who had seen him at his worst after he moved to England).

  


  


Meeting back with his old friends had been amazing, and also made Laurens realized how much he really missed them. London had been great, but his best friends were in New York (Hamilton was in New York). Mulligan and Lafayette had been nice towards Kósciuzko and Martha, although it had taken them a while to warm to the woman, still remembering the times Laurens had gotten drunk and would confess how much he regretted dating her and hated himself for having hurt her. Though they also remembered her being the one to save Laurens from his father, back in South Carolina, after he came out to her. And they also seemed to be on good terms, along with the other man.

  


  


They chatted away, talking about what they had been doing with their lives in these last four years. Laurens was working as both a freelance artist and in a veterinary with Kósciuzko. Mulligan had been working on his fashion brand and getting his name known out there. And Lafayette continued to work under Washington for international affairs, along with planning how to propose to Adrienne after she had moved to America.

Later he even met with Maria; Martha was accompanying him as both moral support and stop him from doing something stupid. He was glad to listen about her divorce from her abusive ex-husband, and Burr had been the one to represent her. She and Martha started talking then, and Laurens couldn’t help but smile.

Finally, it came the time to meet the soon to be weds. Maria had introduced him to Eliza, the two women had become close friends, and Laurens couldn’t even feel the slightest hatred towards her  — not like he wanted to though — ; she was probably the nicest person he’s ever met. To his surprise, the meeting went really well, and Laurens found himself thinking he could grow to like her and they could be friends. He congratulated her on the wedding and wished her all the best.

Then came the most difficult part of it all: meeting the soon to be groom, Hamilton. Laurens had convinced Kósciuzko he would be fine, and Lafayette and Mulligan would be there too, in any case he accidentally punched Hamilton. No one would like an injured groom, he commented with nonchalance, receiving a snort from Kósciuzko as response.

  


  


Seeing Hamilton again, after almost more than four years of ignoring his existence, it felt weird. Burr was there too, talking with him. It kind of reminded Laurens of the first time they met eight years ago. A bittersweet memory, if he was being honest. Something new, though, was that Jefferson and Madison were there too; Angelica had convinced those two idiots to not kill each other for the rest of the week, according to Lafayette. He laughed imagining the oldest Schuyler sister —he had met her a few days ago— threatening both Hamilton and Jefferson.

The laughter had caught Hamilton’s attention, who had stopped talking with Burr in turn to search for the source of it. The moment their eyes met Laurens stopped laughing stopped laughing, suddenly rethinking his life choices and wondering if coming back had been a good idea. Hamilton still looked as beautiful as he remembered; his round eyes shining with determination and enormous happiness. That last one hurt a bit though. And suddenly memories stated to resurfaced as the shorter man walked up to them, Burr behind him; they started from happy ones —those he enjoyed— to the last ones, the painful ones. For a moment Laurens had completely shut down from reality.

He didn’t know what Lafayette had assumed; while Mulligan had been talking to Hamilton, the Frenchman was holding his arm. Laurens wanted to laugh at his friend. He really thought Laurens was gonna punch Hamilton, and although presented with the chance he wouldn’t hesitate to do so, he knew very well right now was not the time to get into fights. This was Hamilton’s bachelor party and he wasn’t gonna ruin it.

After shaking off Lafayette’s hand, with a forced smile he greeted Hamilton, along with a congratulations on his wedding, forcing his mind to keep all the bad thoughts away. The man thanked him with a huge smile, expressing his happiness on having his best friend here. Laurens saw the flinching in both Mulligan and Lafayette, both guys waiting for their friend to break. He was partly offended by their behavior, but knew they were just acting on previous experiences and knowing Laurens for years.

Instead, Laurens just expressed gratitude on being invited. Soon the conversation started to flow, and it was like the old days he didn’t know he missed.

  


  


To his surprise, the party went well and everyone enjoyed themselves. Until the bar’s staff had to kick them out to close the place.

As everyone was leaving, Lafayette had offered to take Laurens to the hotel he was staying in, or at least call Kósciuzko to come pick him up. He was gonna take him on his offer, not wanting to wake up his friend, when suddenly Hamilton was at his side grabbing him by the arm and offering to take him to his hotel himself. Burr argued that he was just as drunk as Laurens —if not worse—, and wouldn’t be of any help. But Hamilton wouldn’t budge, insisting that they would just walk instead.

It was more than obvious he wanted to talk to Laurens alone. While he was indeed pretty drunk, it wasn’t quite enough to have a one on one conversation with him. Hamilton, however, seemed very determined on having that talk.

  


  


The entire walk back to the hotel Laurens tried to distract himself with the dark streets of New York, remembering the years he spent here after running away from his father and hometown, and the friends and memories he made here. Lots of them had been with Hamilton too. It was both a good kind of nostalgic, but also painful.

“I’m sorry.”

It had taken him by surprise. Hamilton’s voice soft and full of regret, nothing like the usual loud and confident tone Laurens had once fallen in love with. He wanted to see the expression Hamilton was wearing, but couldn’t dare to see him and not break.

“I know I fucked up. I hurt you, even after I promised you I’d never do that. And I broke that promise.”

“Alexander.”

He really didn’t want to have this conversation, and most definitely he wasn’t drunk enough to have it now. Laurens could only see it ending two ways, and none of them were good.

“I’m not trying to excuse myself. And it’s okay if you still don’t forgive me… if you never do.”

“Alexander.”

He spoke more forcefully through gritted teeth, but still, Hamilton didn’t seem to hear him. Maybe he was indeed too drunk.

“I did love you, John.”

Oh. Past tense. Yeah, that didn’t hurt at all.

“I loved you, even if after that whole mess it didn’t seem so.”

Whole mess? Whole mess?! Laurens was screaming on the inside, his patience wearing thin. You fucking cheated on me, asshole!

He was starting to regret not taking Lafayette on his offer to take him to the hotel.

“And I regret hurting you. You didn’t deserve that,” he stayed quiet for some seconds, as if thinking for his next words.

Laurens wanted to laugh. Alexander Hamilton thinking before speaking. It seemed that miracles did exist.

“I didn’t deserve you.”

Finally, Laurens couldn’t keep it in anymore. That was the last straw.

Stopping in his tracks, he took in their surrounding. The cold streets covered in snow —it was mid January—, the lamp posts illuminating them along with the hundreds of light signs from various buildings, and Hamilton standing before him, his cheeks painted pink either by the cold or the alcohol, probably both. It was a nice night, the sky of New York was clear and the moon and few stars were partially visible, nothing like London’s typical cloudy weather.

“Oh no. You stop right there with that self-deprecation bullshit.”

Hamilton seemed taken aback by Laurens’ response.

“You don’t get to come at me like that! Especially four fucking years later!”

He was shaking in fury, but he didn’t towards whom. He was angry at Hamilton for cheating on him and the publishing it in his blog for the world to see; for not explaining himself first to Laurens, his freaking boyfriends of two years. And he was angry at himself; for accepting the invitation and thinking it was a good idea to come; for wanting to forgive Hamilton even after the shit he did to him, and for still loving him, even if the man had expressed he no longer felt that for him and was gonna marry Eliza.

“If I forgive you, do you promise not to talk about this ever again?” Lauren asked softer.

“John…”

“No, Alexander.” He ignored the uncertainty in Hamilton’s voice. “Promise me.”

“Why?” He started quietly. “Why can’t we talk about it?!”

Laurens flinched at his loud voice filled with pain and sadness. Still, he didn’t back down.

“Because you fucking cheated on me!”

He broke. His voice broke.

“You broke my heart, Alex.”

**Author's Note:**

> See, no happy ending, for lams. Please don't hit me, I just tried to make it as logical as possible.
> 
> At the end they all go to the wedding and Hamilton and Schuyler get married, Laurens finally has some closure. They don't really go back to how they were before, but at least can talk to each other without making it awkward. That was the best result to be honest.
> 
> Hope you liked and enjoyed it, if you did please leave kudos and comments.


End file.
